KamaSutronics

Me holding my Fuckzall, November 2005. I look so much better with short hair.

This project is time-consuming but Easy.

I have four fucking machines.  One of them is a HugHer, the most inspired piece of sexual technology in the world.  Two of them are homemade — a fuckzall and a drilldo.  The fourth is a Probe Plus by Sartan.  The Probe Plus thrusts up to 250 times a minute, with a stroke that varies up to five inches.  It’s powered by a motor with 1/8th horsepower and 20 inch-pounds of thrust behind it.  Despite the impressive specs of the Probe Plus, girls seem to like my homemade fuckzall just as much.

Here’s what you need to make yourself a fuckzall.  You won’t need any mechanical aptitude or knowledge of electronics.

You’ll need a reciprocating saw, a router speed control, a vac-u-lock base, some epoxy, and vac-u-lock dildos.  If you already have the saw, it will cost about twenty dollars to assemble the rest.  The saw itself should run from thirty to seventy dollars, depending on the brand.

The reciprocating saw needs to have these qualities:

• variable speed, not three speeds, not five speeds, but variable speeds.
• It has to be corded, not cordless; it needs to plug in to the wall.
• It needs to have a button that locks it in at a specific speed.

This is a fine example.

If you plug the saw directly into the wall, it’ll go too fast.  WAY too fast.  You’ll need to plug it into a router speed control.  The router speed control has a dial.  You’ll want to turn the saw to its highest speed, lock that speed setting with the button, and slow it down to your desired speed using the dial on the router.

On to the dildo!

You’re going to use one of the saw’s own blades, but first you need to remove all its teeth.  Don’t even think of skipping this step.  I cannot emphasize this enough.

Clip the saw blade to a stable surface, like a table or a desk; use whatever you have, binder clips or nipple clamps.  File the teeth away one by one, until the toothed edge is toothless.  You can use any form of file, including a nail file, but it might take a while.  This is the only labor-intensive step; it took me about an hour of careful filing.

Then take a Vac-U-Lock plug.  Cut away the foam rubber on the back.  Clip the base to your stable surface (table or desk), with the doinky part facing down.  Stand the saw blade inside the Vac-U-Lock plug, with the tip of the blade pointing down, and use something to hold it so it stands straight up (I used a clip and a book).

Fill the hollow plug with epoxy or a similar hardening glue.  Wait a few hours for it to harden.

And there you have it: your very own fuckzall.  Depending on the kind of saw you bought, its stroke depth will be anywhere between one inch and 2.25 inches.  I’ve hardly ever raised the speed into the “high” zone; “medium” is enough for most.  Add your favorite Vac-U-Lock dildo, use lots of lube, start out slow, and prepare for an experience.