KamaSutronics

I’d been distracted.  My energies were focused elsewhere.  I hadn’t been working on this blog.

And then, today, I happened to find a list of The Ten Best Sex Toys, as compiled by the British newspaper, The Independent.  It’s from September 2008.  It’s an egregious pile of horse dung.

Women aren’t china dolls.  The best sex toys for women do not need to be pink, they do not need to be lacy, they do not need to be attended by fluffy bunnies and a Disney soundtrack.  What they need to do is provide pleasure.  This simple fact eludes the sex experts at The Independent.

The author seems to think that all women are terrified of sexual experiences.  She thinks that the best sex toys are the least threatening — and she doesn’t consider any criteria, like, “does this feel good” or “is this well-designed.”  It’s offensive, and it disempowers women.

Satin ribbon.

The list starts out with satin ribbon for bondage. “If you don’t find the idea of being tied up with metal handcuffs arresting, try a less menacing restraining device,” says the author, who recommends this “cream ribbon” instead.  Let’s overlook the fact that it’s simply a satin ribbon available in any fabric shop for a fraction of the price.  Let’s focus on the simple fact that satin isn’t a very safe material for bondage. Struggle in it, squirm in it, or even just tie it too quickly, and you’re going to risk friction burns.  “Less menacing” indeed.  Bondage experts recommend using rope that’s at least a quarter of an inch thick, wrapped around several times to distribute the weight.

Spanker.

The #2 “best sex toy” is a satin-covered, heart-shaped spanker.  Once again, satin is not actually a good material for this.  Leather, rubber, even plastic can be trailed along the skin for erotic sensations during a paddling.  But what about things like the springiness of the handle?  The weight in your hand?  The sound it makes?  How it actually feels?  None of these considerations merited the author’s concern — after all, it’s pink!  It’s shaped like a heart!  And it has little hearts printed on it!

It’s so hard for me not to lose the thread and start shouting “fuck you, just fuck you” over and over, at this point.

Ring.

#3, the Seven Pearls Massage Ring, isn’t necessarily bad, but the only reason it’s on this list is that it’s purteh.  It sure is pretty.  It’s pre-e-e-etty.  Does it feel good?  I don’t know, and The Independent doesn’t care.

So we’ve gone through the first three of “the ten best sex toys,” and you know what?  I’ve noticed something.  None of them vibrate.  Must be an oversight.  I’m sure that will be rectified soon.  Won’t it?

Candle.

#4 is a soy-oil candle.  I’m a fan of soy-oil candles, for erotic purposes; they heat up, but not nearly hot enough to burn you.  Pour a little of the warm wax on your partner’s skin and rub it around.  It makes for a sexy start.  Of course, the linked candle is massively overpriced — trying to take advantage of the lack of good information about female sexuality.

And it’s still nowhere near the joy of a paraffin bath.

Dildo!

Oh look, #5 is an insertable!  It’s a ceramic dildo that can be made warm or cool, for a few minutes.  It’s a relief to see The Independent acknowledge, at last, that women have vaginas, but the author’s preference for style over substance is still roaring forward.  “Created in collaboration with ceramist Adele Brydges, this is an unusually sightly dildo,” says the author.  Yes, it’s “unusually sightly,” but does it feel good? It’s ridiculously expensive, and ridiculously fragile — ceramic, after all.

I’m glad they’ve included a dildo as one of “the ten best sex toys,” but so far there’s still nothing that vibrates.

#6 is edible body paint.  The author has clearly never tasted edible body paint.  I have.  It tastes like sweetened vomit.

Moving forward, we find a book of slightly naughty photos, followed by a pair of massively overpriced pasties.  Good effing God.  Nobody finds pasties erotic.   A woman wearing pasties is going to be supremely self-conscious; the observer’s eye is deflected to her stomach.  If you were going to choose a sexy item of clothing, it would be a pair of killer heels, or black boots that go allllll the way up, or lingerie, or a corset.  Not.  Goddamn.  Pasties.

I’m still waiting for a vibrator….

#9 on the list is a g-string, with the pearl-strings, and #10 is a Liberator wedge — an overpriced cushion.

There is nothing on that list that vibrates.

That list of “the ten best sex toys” does not include a single vibrator.

Betty Dodson went around America and the world teaching women to get off.  She taught them how much they’d been missing.  She taught them to have huge, amazing orgasms, and she taught them something more fundamental; she taught them that their pleasure matters.

She taught women to use two tools.  First Dodson taught them to strengthen their vaginal muscles by using a “Dodson barbell” — a steel rod with round steel balls on it.  Then she taught them to use an imported back massager, called a Hitachi, to explore their pleasure and satisfaction.

Neither the Dodson barbell nor the Hitachi was pink.  Neither was covered in satiny hearts.  But they changed women’s lives.  They showed women that they matter.  These two industrial-looking toys changed how women saw themselves, how they felt about sex and their bodies.

The Independent’s list indicates a giant step backwards.  The author sees women’s sexual pleasure as something frightening.  Women are advised to take teensy-weensy steps towards sexual pleasure.  Any further out is the dark and dangerous territory, Here Abide Monstres.

And this is the reason I began this blog.  I want to continue Betty Dodsn’s revolution.  I want to help women understand their bodies in relation to the work of inventors and toy designers.  I want to shine light onto those areas that women might find scary, but shouldn’t: not just vibrators, but suction, erotic electricity, fucking machines, and more.