Posts Tagged ‘fucking machines’


The Plow/Probe

The Plow/Probe

(also known as the Probe Plus.)

This was the first fucking machine I bought.  I was delighted.

I’d made a fuckzall previously, and the women I’d tried it with had responded… well, better than I could have hoped.  There were loud, extreme, extravagant orgasms, knocking furniture over in other states.

So it was only a matter of time before I upgraded.  I chose to buy the eXtreme Plow, a dark and gleaming thing from Orgasm Alley.

I didn’t know that the technology was just minutes away from being out of date.

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The publishing industry has fallen behind.

There are amazing things taking place, almost daily — breakthroughs in sexual technology, deepening understandings of female sexual response, and it hardly ever gets reflected in print.  What does wind up in print is usually lurid representations of the bizarre, with commentary that says, essentially, “look what those crraaaaazy pervos are doing now!”

Timothy Archibald’s Sex Machines: Photographs and Interviews takes an interesting approach.  It represents a nuanced, sometimes haunting, American landscape.

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The ShockSpot

The ShockSpot

Author’s note: This was a review of an earlier model, so a lot of information is out of date in reference to the newer models.  Some more recent observations are available here.

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The ShockSpot is compact, sturdy, and shiny. It’s made from top-notch 80/20 materials. It’s programmable, positionable, and visually impressive.  If the ShockSpot had been brilliantly designed, it would be a bargain — even at $2,200.

But what is it that we actually want from a fucking machine, anyway?  This is the kind of question that sex toy designers really need to ask.

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Me holding my Fuckzall, November 2006.

Me holding my Fuckzall, November 2005. I look so much better with short hair.

This project is time-consuming but Easy.

I have four fucking machines.  One of them is a HugHer, the most inspired piece of sexual technology in the world.  Two of them are homemade — a fuckzall and a drilldo.  The fourth is a Probe Plus by Sartan.  The Probe Plus thrusts up to 250 times a minute, with a stroke that varies up to five inches.  It’s powered by a motor with 1/8th horsepower and 20 inch-pounds of thrust behind it.  Despite the impressive specs of the Probe Plus, girls seem to like my homemade fuckzall just as much.

Here’s what you need to make yourself a fuckzall.  You won’t need any mechanical aptitude or knowledge of electronics.

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The devices we use to create erotic and sexual pleasure are an expression of our culture, as much as our cuisine and our music.  Food and music occupy a place in our cultural discourse where sex machines fear to tread; people gather at parties to discuss a new restaurant.  “Oh, it’s an Indian restaurant?  I love navrattan korma!”

Many of the books and lecturers on human sexuality encourage the use of vibrators, but they’re discussed in a way that suggests discomfort on the side of the author or the lecturer.  The speaker will mention categories, such as rabbit vibrators, bullet vibrators, and wand vibrators, and probably discuss the safety of various materials.  Few of them will go into sensual detail, gushing about the magnificence of an experience, like a food critic might.

And that’s just vibrators.  Present for decades in the cultural consciousness, vribrators and dildos are still an uneasy subject for writers and speakers.  So what about the joys I explore?  What about e-stim?  What about suction devices and fucking machines?

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I made my first fucking machine, and I was proud of it.  Then I bought a Probe Plus, from Orgasm Alley. The Probe Plus is a powerful machine; it thrusts up to 350 times per minute, with a stroke adjustable up to five inches.

And along came the HugHer. A technological marvel. A work of art. Breathtaking in its scope, beauty, and genius. I watched a video showing the ways it could move. I sat there, mesmerized. I was in loooooove.

You need to see it in action to understand its magnificence.

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